True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I forgot how hot balto sounded
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
