You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
