for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
