I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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