I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
