The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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