True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
