i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.