Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
