she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
