I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
