This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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