I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
