just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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