College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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