Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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