Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
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you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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