I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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