he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize