i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So squirting runs in the family.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Im part way to drunk.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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