I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
