The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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