My underwear smells like fireworks.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
