The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
