hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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