look no pants
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
