The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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