Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
