I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
