I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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