Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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