I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
