Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
