she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I enjoy the company of your penis
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
