Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
