rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
