I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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