Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
