yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye