Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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