I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So many bounce houses so little time
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
