remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
