I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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