My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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