Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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