That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
