I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
