Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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