i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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