She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
