i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.