Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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