Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
