i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize