who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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