this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
