and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
