Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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